::spontannya tanganku menaip::

hari-hari ku tanpa dirimu..
sepi ku..tanpa hadirmu.. [cam lirik lagu je..padahal spontan ni,xpe la..truskan je..]
malam tanpa bulan..tanpa bintang..
angin bertiup entah dari mana arahnya..[barat ke timur??]

aku lelah di sini
menanti suatu yang belum pasti..

kau..
masihkah kau di sana?
tetap di sana menanti diriku?
bagaimana bisa ku pastikan

aku letih
mencari suatu yang seharusnya ku tahu
mencari jawaban pasti
siapa aku, apa yang ku mahu..

kadang-kadang kita alpa..
melangkah tanpa memikirkan apa benar tindakan kita
apa ikhlas hati kita
apa jujur kita melakukannya

aku masih di sini
masih cuba mencari
apa memang ini yang ku inginkan?
mungkin ya..mungkin tidak..
tidak salah andai aku berkata tidak...
mungkin ini bukan yang ku inginkan..
tapi ini jalan dalam mencapai yang ku inginkan..

hidup bukanlah suatu yang sia-sia
walaupun banyak kekalahan, banyak kegagalan..
sia-sia hanya apabila ada peluang tapi tidak kau raih
sia-sia bila kau gagal tapi kau tak pernah belajar
sia-sia bila kau memiliki tapi tak pernah menghargai

aku tahu kau di sana
masih menanti
begitu juga aku

hidup adalah penantian
dan penantian bukanlah suatu penyiksaan
dan jangan pernah mengeluh
kerana selagi kita meyakini
harapan pasti ada

what if i'm not getting married lak??

hurm...
dat my wedding tale was created on my mind since i was 15,rite..
but dat, long before i know dat my journey lead to medical life..
i really didn't expected to be here today..never..
i did so ambitious being a surgeon [after i berangan2 nak jadi archeologist, lawyer, even architect]..
but da only reason dat i wanna be a surgeon at datn time is becoz im so curious of wat inside my body..hehhehhee..besides, i love sewing..heheh..
but when i get offered doing medicine under mara convertable loan, the 1st thing came to my mind was...owh no, i have to postpone my wedding plan coz i thought im gonna get marry at 23..
really..dat was the 1st thing came out..
bcoz...[i btul2 besyukur dpt medic ni]...i never thought im such an ideal student for medic course..hahahahah..coz really pemalas nk baca buku...all my frens know dat i awiz rilek bile nk exam..even now..huhuh..seyesly, i xreti nk strugle..xreti nk hardwork..maybe i lagi suke study smart..hahha..macam la smart sgt kan..2 la my mum awiz said..angah ni pandai da..cume kalo die rajin sket,mst rezut leh gempak..hahha..coz my rezut everage je kot..ntah la..

ok2..back to the main topic..

remember my sis wed on 18th february 2007...3 days after her wedding..i still remember dalam keta i ngan ibu i gi melaka ke mane ntah..we was having some chat about my bf or wat, then about my sis wed..analysis the pro n contra..hahha..
i dunno why suddenly came from her mouth..angah kalo nak kawen,lagi 5 tahun leh la..
haaaaa..my mum said dat..wat a cool mum is she..hehe
then my mum ckp, angah xleh lambat sgt kawen,[kalo lg 5tahun dats mean im 25 at dat time] or tym angah da D.M (doctor muda), leh gak kalo nk kawen tym tu..
tp plg lmbt 26 or 27..[myb my mum takut i jadi andartu kot]

tp smpi skarang i still samar2 bout my future..cam xde bau2 nk kawen pn de gak ni..kuikuikui..
org sll gak cakap,sape yg duk sebut kawen awal,mst lmbt jd nye,yg duk sebut nk kawen lmbt tu, silap ari bulan, da nk menikah da pn..
hurm..

di suatu mlm i dgn nou beronggeng ke Tunjungan Plaza..kitorg dinner kat McD depan T.P..leh lak kuar cite bout diz..

dat time, i decide wat if till 27 i still not yet marry..
this is my plan..

by the time 27,[tym tu houseman pn da nk abes kot],kalo xde angin bertiup de orang nak masuk minang i, i nak submit borang kat mara[mara again,hehhe]..i nk apply ambil specialist surgeon kat overseas...pe gunenye i jadi doc kalo cita2 i nk jd surgeon tak terpenuhi..huhu..
so, kalo mmg rezeki i, terbang la i ke mane2 tuk wat overseas...
[still xde angin bertiup orang nk masuk minang i]
then i habeskn course i..kalo at that tym pn xleh nk ngurat yg ambik specialist dgn i 2,hurm..mmg xberjodoh la i kan..
so, i balik ke malaysia..
sambung la keje jadi specialist..
kalo de org masuk minang,alhamdulillah..
kalo xde, i would spent my whole life as a surgeon, berbakti kepada sesiapa yg memerlukan jasa ku ini..
disamping, haaaaaa..
meluaskan lagi hajat2 i yg dulu duk berangan sgt..
ni cite kalo da byk duit la..xkn la surgeon pn xbyk duit kn...
insya Allah, selagi de pintu rezeki yg terbuka untukku..
i berangan nk bukak kedai makan..i nk bukak kedai interior design..
i nk bukak kedai tuk wedding ni...
i nak bukak...hurm..emangnye byk sgt angan2 i ni..
hurm..2 je la kot..
plg x, nk bukak kedai mkn..kalo da maju sket, i bukak kedai interior design..tp bukan i la yg masak,bukan i la yg design..i hire la sape2 yg berkebolehan..xpn de sedara mara yg nk cari keje..

xpe la hidup sorang2..janji hidup bahagia..cukup la i tau i sayang sape..n cukupla i tau org yg i sayang tu bahagia..cukup la i tau de gak org yg sayangkan i..

i suke word dalam cite laskar pelangi..
hidup banyakkan memberi..tapi jangan harapkan menerima..[lebih kurang kot ckp cmtu]
tp susah gak nk wat cmtu..i pn stil blaja nk wat cmtu..

papepun..Allah sentiasa tahu pe yg terbaik tuk kita..tak semua yg terbaik yg ade di dunia ni, adalah yg terbaik tuk kita gak..jgn harapkan yg sempurna, kerana ketidaksempurnaan itulah yg mengajar kita menjadi sempurna..

a tale of [my wedding ceremony]

hallelujah..

hehehehehehheheheheheh..
im so excited to type this post..
hehehhehehehheheheheheh....... (^^,)

hurm..let's see what i dream of since i was 15, if not mistaken..

i love turquoise..[even now im crazy of magenta]..i still do like turquoise..n i like garden wedding..
n i love blue rose so much..so this is how my tale begin..

1st, da proposal..i really wish who ever gonna marry me when the time has come, i really wish he will propose me with a bouquet of blue roses..no need ring, just blue roses, and your proposal wont be rejected..

2nd, da wedding card..i wanna the black and white card [juz like old skool] with the only colour is turqouise..or maybe magenta..hehhehe..i can deal with dat..
and should have da picture of us which must be taken at the beach..huahuahua..

3rd, da wedding dress..hurm..if it's really a tale, i wanna wear gown wedding..heheheh..white in color..but to make it real, i will wear turquoise wedding dress..the flower..hurm..variety of flower..should be nice..

4rd, da hantaran..hehehe..for the ring case,i wanna my ring shud be put inside a shell..hehhehehe..then,the theme is..hurm...i dont think of dat b4..it's ok..i leave dat to my mum..

5th, da cake.. i forgot wat movie i watch, but starring by mandy moore, who act as baker..he design cake..i love 1 cake which has 5 stage..hurm..kek tu cm byk bunga ros bertaburan kat ats kek..bes2..n the colour...hurm..variety..hehehhe..all colour of rose..[i think]

6th, da day when two souls become one..hehehhe...
the concept is wedding garden..but i dun wanna green to be the theme..the green colour is only the grass..i wanna blue roses along the aisle..then, there will be one blue rose on each table..i like balloons too..the white n blue balloons will fill the 'atap kemah'..and also everywhere at the garden..

hehehhehehehhe
i dunno if wat i dream of will come true..xsume pn, sket2 pn jd la..huhu..
people would say im just dreaming..but sumtym dreaming make u alive and realizing dat ur dream is such a wonderful dream and too sweet too be lose..so, i will do my best to fulfil this huge dream..
i think this is the most biggest future plan i ever thought and really wish come true..

u know sumthing...saking minatnya[bhasa jawa] kat wedding ceremony ni[all about wedding]..i also dream to be a wedding planner..my mum know about this..n we have discuss it..
in malaysia,wedding planner job is not widespread..if i migrate to australia, uk or where ever, i will think of open my own company..heheheheh...in indonesia also the wedding planner did make good money..hehehhe

riu pegi exhibition hall kat tunjungan plaza..de wedding exhibitin..saje tgk2 dgn nou...
huhu...org 2 leh e dtg dkat tuk bagi business card,then diorg tanye,kapan rencana nya nikah..hehheheh
kitorang juz gelak..kat sorang dua je kitorang cakap,lama lagi mabk,3 4 tahun lagi..
kehkehkeh..tu la..gatal sgt gi tgk..tp bes wooo...huhuhuhuhuhuh

k..da tym back to reality..nak sambung study..

my heart hurt so much[tears]

i dunno if i should talk about my deepest feeling in my blog...
but, what i can say, my heart really hurt..
i dunno if i have heart anymore..
now, i think i dont have heart..
hurm..
if your heart hurt, does tears really can cure the wound..
tears such as an antiseptic to me..
bcoz i cant say my deepest feeling [coz i think people wil know my condition now]
so i wanna say about tears..bout my tears..
i xtau nape i suke nanges..
maybe i shud put that as my hobby..
tears..some people dun like dat word..coz sumtym people do relate dat word with sadness..
for me, tears is like remedy..or analgesic which has longer half life..so dat it can cure for a moment my sadness..
i like to cry..coz i know, as a girl, share your problem is way to relief your sadness..
but when dat moment u cant share, u dun wanna let people to know dat u have problem or your heart hurt, u cry alone..n u feel better after dat..n sumtym,if u such an egois person, when your heart hurt so much[like me,now], u smile,u laugh,coz u dun wanna people know u have problems,your heart hurt,u such a strong person[kononnye],but believe me, when u r alone, u will cry..i do dat a lot..
i dunno if some or most people who know me, thought dat im such a tough person,but what i can say, im not..
i can pretend to be tough, but i dun think i am.. i think my tears make me tough, sumtyms..
tears..
Rasul once said, menangislah wahai perempuan, kerana tangisan itu menghapus kesedihan dan duka..sesungguhnya wanita itu bebannya lebih berat berbanding lelaki..sebagai seorang isteri,sebagai seorang ibu..
menangis, sedar atau x, menjadikan kita kuat..
for me, tears make me feel better, make me stronger..
it never mean loser, weak, or whatever..
Tuhan xjadikan airmata sbg suatu yang sia-sia..air mata,selain dapat membersihkan mata, juga sebagai tempat melepaskan beban di dada..
jangan malu untuk menangis bila anda rasa hanya angisan yang dapat melegakan anda buat seketika..ianya bukan tanda kelemahan atau kekalahan.....
~tears from heaven~

hari yang menguji kesabaranku..

tau x..
rini bgun lmbt..
sbb igt xde klas pf.
so kul 9 cmtu da get ready nk gi spital..
dgn semangat,keazaman yg tinggi..
huhu
sbb hari isnin ritu pak widodo(kepala ruangan poli penyakit dalam)xde,
so kne la gi rini
slamat pak wadi de..
nk bg kat die surat izin penelitian..dgn harapan dpt anta surat kat dr.yusri..
xtau la die sape..rupe2nye yg bertanggungjb kat ruangan peny dalam(if im not msitaken la)
pstu die pn ckp g fotokopi surat 2
da fotokopi die suh jumpe dr.yusri kat poli geriatri
gaya pak wadi n buk lilik(yg duk sebelah pak wadi) bg tunjuk arah poli geriatri cam belakang sgt

penat la jalan smpi nk dekat bag rawat inap peny dalam..pstu las2 pikir balik,poli mst kat bangunan yg same..patah balik..tny sorang bapak tu..baru die ckp poli 2 kat suatu tempat..
huhu
dekat je
cume terlindung
pegi tny kat ibu kat sane..dr.yusri cuti rupe2nye..capek deh..huhu..smpi isnin depan lak tu..
so naik balik kat poli peny dalam..jumpe balik pak wadi..so,bile da xde dr.yusri,tinggal dr.widodo..pak wadi ckp tggu jap coz dr.widodo xdtg lg ke poli..tggu la kat luar..tggu dlm 20 min kot..da 10.40 kot cmtu,masuk balik,tny pak wadi..last2,pak wadi ckp,g je kat bag hemodialisis di amna dr.widodo ni berada..mane plak la hemodialisis ni..sounds familiar 2 me..ya,so familiar..
pegi balik pusing spital..ni la babak pg menensyenkan..tny sorg bapak ni yg elok tersadai kat tepi koridor.die ckp,jalan trus,notok,belok kanan..so,follow la instruction die..smpai lepas drp peny dalam 2 aku pegi,xjempe2 gak..sambil jalan tu duk igt la mane penah nmpk hemodialisis ni..las2,patah balik..patah balik,g kat area2 rawat jalan tu..jalan sket..hurm..pusing balik,tny lg sorg bapak ni..die ckp jalan smpi kuar bangunan..pastu belok kiri smpai nmpk hemodialisis 2..g kuar bangunan masuk balik..sbb xconfident..jalan balik ke rawat jalan..tny lg sorg ibu ni..die pn tunjukkan jln yg betul..da jumpe,masuk dlm tny,die suh ikut jln laen.bile da masuk jalan betul,aku dimaklumkan bahawa dr.widodo baru je bergerak ke poli..huhu..penat sgt..
gi balik kat poli..jumpe je ibu tu,die tnjukkan katne leh jumpe dr.widodo..jumpe dr.widodo,sgt baek..tunjuk org2 yg akan bekerjasama tuk penelitin ni..
then,las skl,aku dimaklumkan tuk berjumpe dr.titong..coz dr. yg jage ruangan poli gastro-hepatologi..
die ckp dr.titiong ni sentiasa ade kat ruang endoskopi..
so kne g bg surat kat dr.titong..
td round2,nmpk da signboard ruang endoskopi..tp,katne eh..
so tny lg sorg ibu ni..n die bg instruction yg jelas,dgn senyuman yg cukup manis..
jumpe la..jauh gak..dekat dgn peny dalam..
gi sane,rupe2nye dr.titong xde..xtau katne..
huhu
sudahnye..
sok kne jumpe dr.titong..
huhu
next week g balik poli sbb nk ambik data..
k
penat da
nk g training futsal ni..

i miss my bestfriends..

right now im so excited..eventhough im so tired and sleepy..coz its been so long i never had conference with hazirah and irah..just khasanah je xde..huhu..bz with boyfriend..i guess..hazirah..da lastym i met her was new year 2006 i think..right hazirah?irah,baru je jumpe raya pose ritu..yet,i stil miss her..khasanah la plg lame xjumpe..lastym was on 1st may 2006,our batch got reunion..dat da lst tym..
i dunno exactly when we will gather again, but hopefully the time will come soon..
i miss them so much..
xsabar nk kutuk khasanah coz die plg itam antara kitorg ber4..hahahhahaha
bestfriends are siblings,not by blood,but by heart..
i still remember this phrase, hazirah msg me on our friendship anniversary..
yupp, we have anniversary..its on may 10th..
we promised to gather on may 10h 2012 i think..hehhehehe

black pepper and lime juice..

i juz started my day with watching passengers with aimi,on my bed..huhu..atlast juz knew dat da movie was all about few af the plane crash' victims who dun accept themselves is dead..n all da dead people show off to let them know dat they were dead..hurm..i watch dead movie...
but then we cooked..coz it already 11oclock..nou cooked chicken black pepper and i cooked brinjal..then i made my marvellous lime juice..i dunno wat people comment, but i think im good at making lime uice..heheh..then i watch another movie..huhu..coz think that study at that tym wont give anything..hehe..i watch the duchess,starring keira knightley..i enjoyed watching dat movie..
now..im writing diz while chatting with sumbody dat i want n wait to chat with..
tau x,suddenly i remember bout diz old men told me..women cant get two thing in same time in her life..weather she wants her career or a family..cant success both..huhuh
do u think,wat will i choose??
a surgeon or a great wife and mother?????

jangan pernah berubah by ST12

biarkan waktu teruslah berputar
ku cintai kamu penuh rasa sabar
meski sakit hati ini kau tinggalkan
ku ikhlas tuk bertahan

cintaku padamu begitu besar
namun kau tak pernah bisa merasakan
malah kini kau ucapkan selamat tinggal
membuat keresahan

* meninggalkanku tanpa perasaan
hingga ku jatuhkan air mata
kekecewaanku sungguh tak berarah
biarkan ku harus bertahan

reff:
jangan pernah kau coba untuk berubah
tak relakan yang indah hilanglah sudah
jangan pernah kau coba untuk berubah
tak relakan yang indah hilanglah sudah

jangan pernah kau coba untuk berubah
ku relakan yang indah dalam hatinya

moment created this blog

hurm
thanks anyway to my thankful helpful metro-sexual cousin, zaem hayes coz has been asking me to create this blog..with a little bit of time and rajin, atlast i done created my blog..

today i just lay don on my bed..wake up early, but did nothing..juz read pharmaco for a while..feel sleepy, but refuse to sleep..i bet tonite i sleep early..

i wanna change sumthing which is hard for me to change..i have to change for my own sake..pliz pray dat i can change slowly and permanently..

2009

hurm
its 3rd of january
im starting my new year with tears
dunno why
but now i know
but its ok
tears didnt aiz mean bout sorrow or sad
myb its about leaving da sorrow and start a joyful life
im a happy-go-lucky person
sure i shud be happy
smile can make u happy
laugh(like nou's) also can make sumbody happy
not bcoz of wat,but bcoz nou's laugh..
hhahhahhaha
rini xbyk cite la
nnt la
sbb tgh matok n penat
nk studi sket lagi
mlm kang nk tdo awal