i think i need therapist

seems like almost 2 weeks i've been stressed out..

signs and symptoms being stressed:

1. sleep late or i cant sleep..

even my eyes were heavy,and my body was exhausted,i just only can sleep after almost 40 minutes after i go to bed..so,for 40 minutes,i tried to relax,and sleep,but,then that's the problem suddenly came up..some people said,before u sleep u can reflect yourself,what u have done today or before..so,when i go to bed,then my synaps start to work so hard..so many things to reflect,and at last, i just feel like i'm not a good person, i have done loads of mistakes and still cant figure out how to correct it all..

2. sleep at class..

huhu..dunno why,but i still cant get through this..

maybe because i cant sleep at night make me sleep at class..

really cant pay well attention..

3. i just eat lunch and dinner..no breakfast..

at class also i dun eat, just bcoz i take that time to sleep..hahah..

i think i need therapist..

i cant think straight lately..

i am mentally ill..

hopefully my body dont get ill..

sometimes need pills to sleep..

sometimes(maybe every night)

i would cry before i sleep..just bcoz the reflection of the day..or past..

sometimes i tried to call her,just to hear her voice so that i would released a little bit,but i always called her at works,made her dun have times to chat..

even she would say dat she will call,i know she wouldn't..

but i dun blame her..

i know she worked hard every day..

even with her bad condition sometimes, i dunno how she still can work as usual..

i am so stressed..

and i hope..

this would end soon..

at least, i still can study..thanks God..

i wish..i know what to do to correct my mistakes..

i wish.. .........................................................................

i wish.. ........................................................................

i wish..i do the right thing..

Ya Allah

semoga aku masih mampu...

-_-

i think

i have done what i could to ask u for forgiveness

i dunno if its enough or not

but

thats all dat i can do

i know its not enough

but

im afraid

if i did something which i thought i should

but then it is turn out to be something i shouldn't

i will make it worse

so

i will stop right here

its ur decision to forgive me

im still hoping

one day u can forgive me

so

till then

i will be alive back

i had 1 bad day today

and i dont want tomorrow will repeat the same

i wanna live my life

cherish every moment

and hoping everything's gonna be fine from times to times

but still

in my heart

there's always u

in my mind

there's always u

in each breathe

is always u

in every step

im thinking of u

"love the heart that hurt u

but never hurt the heart that love u

please dont hurt my heart"

IM SO SORRY

IM SO SORRY

IM SO SORRY

IM SO SORRY

IM SO SORRY

IM SO SORRY

IM SO SORRY

IM SO SORRY

IM SO SORRY

IM SO SORRY

IM SO SORRY

IM SO SORRY

IM SO SORRY

IM SO SORRY

IM SO SORRY

IM SO SORRY

IM SO SORRY

IM SO SORRY

IM SO SORRY

IM SO SORRY

IM SO SORRY

IM SO SORRY

IM SO SORRY

IM SO SORRY

IM SO SORRY

IM SO SORRY

IM SO SORRY

IM SO SORRY

IM SO SORRY

IM SO SORRY

IM SO SORRY

IM SO SORRY

IM SO SORRY

I LOVE U SO MUCH MAKE ME HURT SO BAD

saya minta maaf,saya memang macam ni

saya minta maaf

saya memang macam ni

saya sangat pentingkan diri

saya suka dimanja

saya suka diberi perhatian

saya suka dipujuk

saya suka lepaskan geram

saya suka kemahuan saya dituruti

saya tak suka ditengking,even memang silap saya

saya tak suka dimarahi,even memang silap saya

saya tak suka bersabar,even sabar itu bagus

hakikatnya

saya sayang

saya rindu

saya minta maaf

saya memang macam ni

i just miss u

I MISS U

SO BAD

even u not miss me

or thinking of me

i still

miss u

have u ever met the wrong guy?

hurm
dlm hidup ni,
banyak bende yg xpasti,
tp dgn ketidakpastian la kite trus melangkah mengorak hidup ni,
entah mana jalan yg membawa kite,
bile kite bertemu seseorang,
kite mengharapkan dialah untuk kite,
tapi terkadang,
terlalu awal masa mempertemukan kite,
membuatkan ketidakpastian itu menjadi suatu penantian yg sangat menyiksakan dan mendebarkan,
adakah apa yang kite harapkan akan terjadi,
adakah semua yang kite lewati menuju akhir yang dinanti,
itu semua terlalu mendebarkan.

apabila pilihan yang kite sangka benar,
rupanye di tengah jalan baru tersadar salahnye,
ke mana arahnye kite?
haruskah berpatah balik?
atau mencari simpang lain yang mmungkin menuju ke arah kebenaran.

kadang kite terlalu ikutkan hati,
sampai hati membutakan akal memekakkan jiwa,
ada apa dengan hati?
mungkinkah hati yang pernah tercalar dulu,
takkan pernah membaik,
membuatkan hati tak pernah membuat keputusan dengan baik,
hingga akhirnya hati makin sakit,
hingga hati mati,
xmenumbuhkan rasa lagi.

ada apa dengan hatiku,
banyak kesalahan lalu,
membuat hatiku dicabik-cabik,
hingga akhirnya,
tiada hati yang tersisa.

bagaimana akhirnya?
adakah hati akan tumbuh lagi
atau terkubur di dalam jiwa yg kaku

Ya Allah,
berikanlah aku petunjuk-Mu

I AM BACK!!

I AM BACK
i am still zulaika
the same zulaika
i know i cant hold too long in my depression state
bcoz i am zulaika
*happy-go-lucky*
*naughty*
*manje*
*sedikit gedik*
hehehehehe
i thought i would be someone else after this
but i just cant
coz i like the way i am
still complicated
hehhehe

so
here i am
i'm back to my life
i'm back to my business
i'm happy
much much more happy

i juz wanna pray
hope everything will be better
saya xnak mengharapkan yg terbaek
yg sempurna
tapi saya berharap
Allah tunukkan yang terbaik buat saya
walaupn itu bukanlah keputusan yang terbaik

im temporarily shutting down my life

i think this gonna happen one day..
but really xbajet now im gonna through this..
i dun wanna cry..
i wanna fell happy..
but i really cant..
why must u do this 2me?
for a year i feel guilty..
for a year i wish u could forgive me..
truely,i need u in my life..
im glad to have u in my life..
why i juz cant be ur friend..
babe,
saya sayangkan awak
setiap hari saya harap awak maafkan saya..
setiap saat saya berdoa tuk kegembiraan awak..
saya xfaham nape awak kne wat sume ni
u juz have to take care of her..
i know u will be happy..
u are happy..

im shutting down..
too many to erase..
can i keep those memories..
oh god..
how could i forgot sweet memories..

i juz wish
sume ni cepat berlalu..
i thought i can handle this..
i thought i wont cry..
i should be happy actually..

:+:wishes to u if u read this one day:+:
byk2 niat saya,saya rase hanya satu yg mampu..
may on ur graduation day,
u could wear my gift to u..
da lame saya niat,
alhamdulillah
da separuh niat saya tercapai..
tinggal awak je yg perlu menyempurnakan selebihnya..
saya xharapkan pape,
kecuali awak paaki hadiah 2 pada hari awak grads,
dgn org2 tersayang di sekeliling awak..
tuk tzm awak,
saya rasa xsusah da kot nak cari pembonceng..
lots of luv from me..
adios..

this is my way

xde pape act..juz tetibe terasa nak menulis..
maybe ramai yg pelik bile bace blog saya..
nape,as a medical student,i didnt seems much like a medical student..
xtau la ade ke x kat blog ni yg saya cerita pasal study saya or pasal medical life..
well,this is my blog,n ade reason nape saya menilus kat blog saya..
i like to write..and most of the reason is bcoz i write when i cant say it out loud..
and about my medical student's life..
i dun like to talk about it much..coz,sumwhere,sumhow,i juz wana be an ordinary person..
bcoz,its been a stigma about a medic student..
asal budak medic je,mst stress,mst xde life..
but i knw,my fren's here,
know dat,we have a life,even we r medical student..

and about my blog,
kalo anda perasan,
saya mmg xsuke sgt bercerita tntg event or sumthing like dat..
bcoz da reason im writing,is bcoz i cant say it..
dats y i said,
here,
is where yg tersirat,mnjadi tersurat..
so,byk a yg saya tulis ni,
is from my heart,my mind,my thoughts..

and besa even tension about study pun,
i shud write it down,rite..
coz it is still from my heart..
hahah
maybe sebab saya x stress sangta dlm study kot..
i dun like feeling under pressure when it comes to study..
coz i know i cant concentrate then..
huhu..act..
sesape yg kenal saya pn,
mmg tau yg saya sebenarnye bukan seorang yg kaki study..
but mum..
i still study,k..
huhu..
risau lak ibu bace igt saya xstudy lgsg..
cumenye,
saya xreti nak struggle..
ntah,dari kecik mmg cmtu..
then,even saya bercita2 nk jadi surgeon pn,
saya stil xbajet saya dpt ambik medic..

my mum once said,
i think juz wanna me make sure if im taking the right path for my future..
she juz said,
kalo jd medic's student,u dun have life..
even when u are a doctor,
there's a lot to be sacrifice,
u can have a lot in ur life..
i juz can say,
this is my life,
n i like to enjoy my life,
n i wont spoil my life even im a medic student,
so,
i turn over the stigma for myself..
even im a medic student,
i will enjoy myself..

i still remember pakcik nasha penah gtau,
carila kerja yg kita seronok melakukannya seumur hidup kita,
dan bukan untuk sementara,
which mean kite lebih pandang kepada gaji drp ke'enjoy'an yg kita dapat bile bekerja..

its depend on u..

ular,now i know..

kan ritu mimpi kne patuk ngan ular..cume nye ular nye bukan ular hitam,n ular cobra,warna emas2 siap...
hurm...too early to predict actually,but i think i know what its mean...
and to early to tell u what i had predict..
hhehehehehehhe... **wink**

kenapa saya masih percaya kamu??

awak...
kenapa begitu penting percaya saya kat awak???
kenapa awak kisah saya percayakan awak atau tak??
sedangkan hal yang awak mintak saya percaya,seems like tiada hubungan dengan saya..
kerana itu antara awak dan dia..
dan kenapa perlu untuk masa yang tunjukkan semua itu?

saya blank actually
im just act like a normal person actually
dan awak still mintak saya percayakan awak..
awak juz perlu tanye orang laen
dengan ape yang mereka lihat dan mereka baca,
adakah pikiran mereka sama dgn saya
saya tau saya katak puru
katak puru yang hodoh dan peyot buncit
tapi
awak xleh nak tipu saya
saya nmpak dalam kata2 itu
dalam memori2 itu
ada perasaan di situ

saya juz xfaham..
nape perlu untuk saya percaya awak?
nape awak kne risau kalau saya xpercayakan awak...

saya nampak kebahagiaan kat wajah awak

dan saya berdoa

agar kebahagiaan itu berkekalan..

sayangi dia..cintai dia..

jangan risau
i still believe u..
[but not in this case]
i will wait
if u want me 2 wait
for the truth 2 be reveal..